New Year's Eve and it's hard to believe
another zodiac has gone around.

While you drank yourself high on hoping
and watched the ceiling spin from the ground.

Counting down from ten it's time
to make your annual prayer.

Secret santa in the sky
when will I get my share?

Then you tell yourself
what you want to hear.

Cause you have to believe.

This will be my year.

This will be my year...Semisonic


Go Ahead Punk: E-Mail Little Squaw @ squawpunch@hotmail.com

AIM: gimletgurl7 (Remember when she used to be here?)

Monday, September 13, 2004

I was going to write a whole 9/11 post explaining what my experience in Manhattan that day and the three years following have taught me. But somewhere along the line I got distracted. And then I need to ask myself..."Am I over reacting?"

The thing is...my experience that day wasn't nearly as graphic or as scary as what many other people experienced, but part of me attributes that to my high tolerance for drama as learned by my highly dramatic childhood.

I think the pain is so dull at this point that it's irrelevant. The pain from my childhood that is. Because if I were one to sling my childhood trauma around like a pen with which to write excuses for any and all of my adult trouble, mistakes, sadness, etc... Well that pen would have a hell of a lot of ink and I'd run out of paper.

But back to 9/11...I meant to write a heart warming reflection, but in reality that would have been like cutting the wound open all over again and I can't stand the sight of blood.

What did I do instead? I sat on the couch and watched the reading of the victims' names. I cried and cried and cried and cried. And then I cried some more. And when that round of tears was done I started knitting a scarf. Later we went to church and I got all riled up because there was a visiting priest solicitating for donations for a charity and I felt like I was being berated and all I wanted was a good ole' dose of the Lord loves us so much that he gave us free will explanation as to why people do such evil things. I left church rattled.

We went to dinner at BBQ place where we drank beer and sucked sauce from our fingers, and then later that evening we watched some more 9/11 restrospectives and I sniffled a bit more on the couch and continued to knit my scarf.

I finished the scarf last night and when someone gets it as a gift I will say, "That's part of my 9/11 healing process." How many scarfs do I need to knit to erase the fears and dreams about being blown up or poisoned while sitting at my desk in NYC or worse someone blowing up the tunnel while I am in it? While it's extremely selfish, the truth is that I fear for the sadness that my loved ones will experience if I die as a result of someone having a heart blackened and hardened by hate.

I want to live and laugh and grow old with my family, friends and Gilly. That said it's much better to live in the "present" than the "what if". Because what if may never happen and wondering will only ruin today.

The song below is very much about that very thing.

Lyrics included because the blogger sound option is very very scratchy. This song is not just about falling in love to me. It applies to each and every one of my friends. I believe as hard as life can be with every scratch and bump and twist and turn, if you're lucky you end up falling down in front of, stepping on the toes of or totally walking into one of the best friends you could have ever had. And that my friends, is my 9/11 reflection.



posted by JustKeepMum on 10:18 PM