New Year's Eve and it's hard to believe
another zodiac has gone around.

While you drank yourself high on hoping
and watched the ceiling spin from the ground.

Counting down from ten it's time
to make your annual prayer.

Secret santa in the sky
when will I get my share?

Then you tell yourself
what you want to hear.

Cause you have to believe.

This will be my year.

This will be my year...Semisonic


Go Ahead Punk: E-Mail Little Squaw @ squawpunch@hotmail.com

AIM: gimletgurl7 (Remember when she used to be here?)

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Okay, this is what the current issue of Star claims regarding the whereabouts of Bruce Willis last Friday.



Now let me tell you my side of the story...

I think he that totally planted that story. His fiancé Brook Burke just broke up with him because he screwed around on her. He needs some "isn't Bruce hot press".

I was in LA the week before last for business. Friday we had stomped around Melrose and that evening we had a poolside party featuring an outdoor showing of "Pirates of the Caribbean". To be honest, I still haven't see the film.

Some of our co-workers from NYC showed up. Something about being on the VIP list for the Spider Bar. I had no idea what they were talking about but when in LA I find it's best to just follow the leader and see where we end up.

We went up to my suite (a product of a vendor who pissed me off and thus wanted to make good)...to prepare. Discussions were had regarding whether jeans could be worn or not. We attempted to call the club and then realized that they were unlisted. We ended up erring on the side of caution. My outfit was comprised of, a green cargo mini, a black baby t-shirt with "Cash" in white on the front a.k.a. Johnny Cash...and high heeled black sandals with triangle leather tops covered in small metal rings. Very casual. 110% girl went up to her room to change. She took so long we feared that she had fallen asleep as a result of one too many poolside cocktails. The drinks I had had were keeping my second wind in full effect and thus propelling the sassiness.

We ended up in a $30 cab ride to Hollywood and we rolled out of the car in front of the bar at around 11:45PMish...we go to the line and say we're on the list. We get sent to another list. "We're on the Spider Bar" list.

We weren't in the Spider Bar line!!! Tee hee...It was the line for the Avalon which is owned by the same people or something.

We go around to the side of the building and it's like a scene out of 1978 @ Club 54. There's this heavyish boglin holding a clipboard. He was wearing a black trench with a black sweater draped across the shoulders, jeans, a fedora and Nikes.

There are lots of girls with "bullet" hair and Paris Hilton butt skimming dresses on. Very LA and we are all in fact, very East Coast. I can't say NYC because I'd like to think I am a bit New Englander/NYC Metro. Plus I am a Libra and prone to not taking this too seriously.

We tell him we're on the list. He points us to this holding pen and says, "They're all on the list too." So we move to that line which for the record is not moving. Lots of drama commences whilst waiting in line. Girls 1 & 2 (see entry regarding my last night in LA) and 110% Girl are getting more and more agitated. All these malnourished little girls are pushing past up and nobody is even pretending to be polite.

The girl who put us on the list...the girl who is attached to her cell phone...well she's not picking up.

After a bit I develope my "woe is me line". The next guy who shoves me I say, "My friend is very fragile please don't shove." Which was true girl #1 had had a fractured pelvis less than three months ago.

But it's LA so it should be about me, rt? The next time I get shoved I look at the boy and say in a very perplexed yet cute voice, "You're so much bigger than me, why are you pushing?" BINGO. The next guy who hears me says it looks and me and says very sincerely, "I am sorry my friends were so rude. I'll try not to shove."

Whatever dude but for the record he was probably almost 10 years my junior but he was WAY cute.

So it's all very dramatic and people are shoving past us and then when they don't get in they are shoving back against the tide to leave. In one such instant 110% girl aka the wooden Indian...well she goes off at the guilty party here's the exchange.

110% - "Do you have to push?"
Guilty Party - "Sorry. I didn't think I did."

Now I am not certain when the "fuck" got thrown in but the exchanges deteriorates to,

110% - "Well you fucking did."
Guilty Party - "I didn't fucking mean to."
110% - "Well you should be more fucking careful."
Guilty Party - "You should be more fucking polite! There's no reason to get so pissy!"
110% - "Fuck you."
Guilty Party - "No fuck YOU."
110% - "Fuck you. I'll fucking make you be polite."
Guilty Party - "Fuck you. If you want to make something of it. Let's take it off the line."
etc, etc, etc...

I thought 110% was going to take her earrings out and throw down. I don't know if I'd have held her purse. It was really too intense. It's a club for God's sake! Not a war!

Anyway...Girl #2 and I agreed that we would leave at 12:30AM if we didn't get in. I kept saying, "Do I get to say 'Fuck you you fucking boglin!' when we leave?" Tee hee.

How many fucks is that? A lot. Fuck and tits were my favorite words in LA for some reason. Probably because the girls I was with kept pointing out while shopping that they had an easier time because they didn't have boobs as big as mine. Kindness is not a quality most people are born with. I'll tell you that.

Anyway, back on line...all the boys who were entering that club were grungy haired dirty looking. It seems like a type that's thriving in LA. The dirty "Indie" boy. Kind of like Spike Jonze circa 1999.

I kept saying, "Jeez you have to be a boglin or a hobbit to get into this place!"

That and "Do I get to say 'Fuck you the fucking boglin!' when we leave?"

Eventually said boglin pretends to look for our names on the list again and he feigns surprise at realizing that we were indeed there and ushers us into the club. We were screwed by our contact. We were totally not on that list.

So in we go and for your reference I've included a review of the joint at the end of this post if you want an overview. When I got home I realized that one vendor had proposed that we have a party there THAT SAME EVENING...as part of your Movie Awards stuff...which is funny considering that I would have been one of the "lucky" people on the insided from the get go if we'd have used them. Additionally our NAS team was having a party there the next night post show. A party meaning that they had bought a table for an outrageous amount of money.

And in we were. Straight to the bar. Liquor is surprisingly cheep in LA compared to NYC prices. We started to do the rounds.

While were waiting on line we had seen a former Melrose place bit part actor attempting to get in. I can't name names but he appeared to be very coked out. We had seen Bruce Willis glide in with someone who I thought was his security guard because of his suit and ear piece, but I later found out that it was Dan Ackroyd. I am convinced that Stephen Dorff sliped in and out while we were online. Is it me or is he two minutes away from becoming his generation's Mickey Rourke?

Later we saw...and this is when you know it was a slow night...Bob Sagett hanging out with Tracy Morgan from SNL. Tracy took his shirt off which I would advise against in the future because he has a chicken chest. He was also macking on some white chicks. And last but not least 110% Girl spotted some Asian actor that she loves (he hasn't crossed over to mass market yet)...but she didn't have the nerve to speak to him.

We were to see him again at the Movie Awards during the show. Again she wouldn’t talk to him. Then at the post party I was standing with the same girls getting ready to pivot around and pointing in the direction which I was going in...my arm was in the air and 110% Girl grabbed it and screamed, "DON'T!!!" and wrenched me to the side. I looked at her like she had three heads. Apparently the actor was behind me and she thought that I was going to approach him and ask him to take a picture with her. Trust me I'd given up on her at that point AND I didn't even know he was there.

So he looks at me like he's expecting me to say something. Now I look like the dumb ass. I look at her and say in a tense voice that could cut glass, "INSERT HER NAME you need to calm down. I was pointing in the direction that I was going to go. Now you've embarrassed ME and I look like a dumbass."

She was speechless. What is the problem with these girls??? I am certain that if she'd have just said to him, "Hi I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed INSERT FILM NAME." He would have been thrilled! Nobody even recognized him.

It's kind of like the beautiful girls who say that they never got dates because the boys never spoke to them.

I have no problem saying hello or thanks for the good work to any famous person I see. I do it to my non famouse associates too! It's polite! People it doesn't mean you need to say, "Could you sign my neck I want to get your signature tattooed on me." It also doesn't mean that you need to stay and talk to them for an hour which unless they ask you to sit down, they probably don't want you to do.

Ahem...back to the web...so we're enjoying the club. The DJ was playing '80's and 90's favorites...it was the first time I've ever heard "Cannonball" in a club. The girls are moaning about how they are more into the "lounge" scene and this isn't their kind of place. I am totally enjoying the moment. I mean we got in! The DJ was great! The drinks were cheap!!! We'd broken through the boglin wall!!!

110% Girl and I retreated to go get more drinks. On the way to the bar we pass Bruce Willis sitting in a booth all by himself. Me being a smart ass, well I feign a bow as I pass.

When we're going back to the girls I tell 110% that I am going to say hello. She begs me not to.

Whatever, I lean into his booth and say, "I have to tell you I was really a big fan of 'The Return of Bruno'." Tee hee. I only said it because I know he's been singing a lot lately. I figure that his music is his big project at the moment.

Well it was impossible to get him to speak and at one point I said, "I am surprised. You're not very entertaining this evening." Good God I got zero reaction to that. I bid him farewell and returned to the girls.

When I told them the story they didn't believe me. I got a lot of.

"You didn't speak to Bruce Willis!!! Oh, you were so rude!!! We need to go apologize now!!!"

Mind you this was their way in. They really wanted to talk to him but didn't have the nerve to do it.

So they go back and I need to follow to defend my honor. Girl #1 says to him, "I have to appologize for my friend being so rude to you. She's from Jersey." She said it knowing that he's from Jersey AND because she's from Jersey too. She thought it would start a conversation.

So he looks at her and says in a really in the over exaggerated NY/NJ accent he had been using all night..."I'm from fucking Jersey."

And she says, "I know! I am too."

Now on the other side of the booth I am arguing with Girl #2 (THE REALLY MOUTHY ONE)...that I hadn't bothered him in the first place and she was saying,
"Leave him alone, he doesn't want to talk to you!"

Well he heard her and said, "Who the fuck are you? The Amazing Kreskin?"

Then he looked at me and said, "Sit down."

I don't respond to demands but this was retribution! I looked at the girls and I said, "See??? I told you that I didn't bother him. He likes me!"

And I slid into the booth. I may have even patted his knee.

I tried to talk to him again. He was eating a lot of Altoids. I comment on him being rather quiet and he says, "Well I am in my nightclub mode." Does anyone say "nightclub" anymore? It’s like "discothèque".

I struggled for conversation and he was just leaning into hear me talk and well in retrospect over a week later, I wonder if he was waiting for me to make a move? Did he expect me to use my hands under the table or something? I am sure it happens. I am not nor have I ever been that kind of girl. He's freakin' 40 plus! Old enough to be my dad thank you very much.

Then this other guy (wearing a fedora that matched Bruce's) slides in next to me. Now I am pinned in.

Then Bruce says to Girl #1 (still standing on the other side of the booth)...he says, "Excuse me..." and she thinks he's going to invite her to sit down.

He says, "Excuse me. Could you move? You're blocking my friends."

OH MY GOODNESS!!! Tee hee.

So he introduces me to the guy "Nicky". With something about "He just got out of the pen. He’s calling his parole officer."

Whatever! I look at him and I say, "Yeah, I have friends of friends if you know what I mean." Because I do, thank you very much.

Well these guys had me pinned in and they weren't going anywhere and as amusing as it was Bruce wasn't providing me with any titillating conversation and anyone who knows me knows that I need constant stimulation in social situations or I tend to wander off.

After a bit I actually said, "Could you let me out of the booth? I think I'd like to leave now."

And that was that. The girls totally hate him now. They say he's rude. They also, didn't know who the Amazing Kreskin was so I had to explain. That clarified as to whether it was an insult or not. It was! Tee hee.

They also said that he was staring at my check the whole time, which I could care less about. I think that they are implying that he wanted me to sit there because of my chest. And again for the record...I could care less! It's just sour grapes if you ask me.

Later I called Gilly and told him the story. I think it was like 6AM or something in Jersey and he says to me, "Now don't you see what empty shells those people are?"

And I explained to him, "Honey I already knew that, but I thought that Bruce Willis would be a bit more amusing."

There goes my "Moonlighting" crush! My sister in law said I should have mentioned, "Hudson Hawk". I am thinking that I should have mentioned "Twelve Monkeys". I actually liked that film and since it was one of his edgier ones he might have enjoyed the compliment.

Again, I think that story was a plant. He didn't get into the club much earlier than us and we saw no such thing happen. PLUS for the record, there weren't that many blondes other than me there and wouldn't they have tried to go home with him?

I am wondering if we were the "crowd". HA!!!

But this is a mammoth rant and now you know why it took me so long to document...I am finished...and as Paul Harvey says, "And now you know...the rest of the story."



A-listers lounge in this exclusive harem-like hideaway above the Avalon.




The Scene
Like its sister venue in NYC, this private club caters mainly to the city's elite. The lush party palace is the brainchild of nightlife impresario Donovan Leitch Jr., who modeled the space after a 1970s Moroccan retreat. Guests enter through the alley and follow the outdoor stairway up into the low-lit lounge, which is dotted with Persian rugs, rows of plush pillows, wavy booths and cushy ottomans. Eclectic DJs funk things up in front of a tiny dance floor that's somewhat obstructed by an awkwardly placed bed. The sweeping patio features imported Middle Eastern orbs, an ornate tile floor, a retractable ceiling and another bar.

The Draw
From the beginning, the guest-list-only ethos has attracted Hollywood party-circuit regulars like Britney Spears, Ashton Kutcher, Paris Hilton and Leonardo DiCaprio. After the ban against outsiders was lifted, it's also become increasingly popular with sexy young starlets, model types and well-connected nightlifers.


Bar/Club Information

Hours
Vary

Atmosphere
Dance Club - DJ
Lounge
Outdoor Seating
21 & Over
Romantic
Singles
Bars
Clubs

Payment
MasterCard
Visa

Minimum Age
21

Parking
Valet



Insider Tips
When to Go
For those who aren't on the list, the best chance for getting in is by showing up before 10pm on Wed or Thu nights.

Save Money
Entry includes free admission to the Avalon, except for private events. Get a wristband, and know that you might have to wait in line to get back into Spider Club.

Know Before You Go
Dinner reservations will not ensure entry, but a limited bistro menu with items like burgers and tuna tartare is available for those with reserved bottle-service booths.
posted by JustKeepMum on 6:13 PM