New Year's Eve and it's hard to believe
another zodiac has gone around.

While you drank yourself high on hoping
and watched the ceiling spin from the ground.

Counting down from ten it's time
to make your annual prayer.

Secret santa in the sky
when will I get my share?

Then you tell yourself
what you want to hear.

Cause you have to believe.

This will be my year.

This will be my year...Semisonic


Go Ahead Punk: E-Mail Little Squaw @ squawpunch@hotmail.com

AIM: gimletgurl7 (Remember when she used to be here?)

Sunday, March 28, 2004

So, where have I been? Where haven't I been is a better question. Gilly and I have been up to no good. Most of which can't leave the house.

Some tidbits worth sharing. My sources tell me or rather one of my sources tells me that Fountains of Wayne may be creating a new theme song for Most Extreme Elimination for Spike TV. YAY! What with that and Crank Yankers we practically work for the same company. I hope I see them at the next holiday party.

To be honest, I am at a loss for content for some reason. Okay, some things that I've learned this weekend.

Dirty video stores look the same no matter where you go, concrete walls painted grey, fluorescent lights, and inevitably they are run by some very bored man standing up on a raised platform who doesn't even blink an eye no matter what you place on his counter. Though for the record the one that we went to on Saturday didn't feature the gallon jugs of lubricant that we saw that one time in PA.

Lone men always look shifty wandering around the aisles of such stores AND a woman walking past them seems to make them extremely uncomfortable. Which probably explains why they are in a porn store alone on a Saturday night to begin with.

Couples in porn store who are not smiling or giggling make me nervous.

Gilly and I can't stop laughing when picking up things in such a store. I spend half my time going, "Oh my goodness!!!" and Gilly almost busts a gut laughing at the novelties.

I've never really looked at vibrators before but they seem to be very high tech these days. Most of the ones that I looked at featured a small box at the base which appeared to be the controller. The little box had lots of flashing lights and buttons.

I saw a pair of pasties which had flashing lights. How much self restraint did it take to stop me from buying those? Ask Gert how I feel about pasties.

I really admire that stripper in the Graduate. You know the one who swings her pasties behind Elaine's head? It's very difficult to make those things go in opposite directions like that.

Gertie and I once in a store looking at pairs of tassled sequined pasties and a guy was standing next to us. We couldn't decide on what color to purchase and we asked his opinion. "Black or red?" Him, "Definately red."

We probably made his day, yes?

Another funny Adult Store memory...once Gilly and went into one and when we walked in were amazed at the number of fake penises. Obviously this store was a gay porn store, hence the private booths in the back, the many many cars in the front, but the lack of actually patrons in the store area. Well the guy behind the counter has a cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth and he's cutting into a grapefruit and the only other guy in the store with us (mind you there were ten other cars in the parking lot)...well this guy sidles up to the guy behind the counter and says, "You're a health nut huh?" He was serious.

Also, I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone would want to buy a life size human arm to use well, to use in an unGodly fashion. I've seen plastic fists in the Treasure Chest in NYC but I've never ever ever ever seen an arm. It disturbs me more than that silly King Dong that you see on occasion. Arms. GROSS. Call me a prude but that's what I think.

Other major learning...
I don't like French pornographic films. Of course these assumptions are based on my brief viewing of one film...Apparently French people seem to think that us Americans have a thing for anal sex (particularly looking at the very center of people's uhm, bums) which for the record I personally don't. Plus they don't believe in soundtracks and again for the record, just try watching a bad film without music and you'll get very annoyed very quickly. There's a lot of horribly boring conversation and the slapping noises.

Though I have learned what "shocker" is. Apparently there was recently a high school where the kids all made the same hand gesture in their school pictures. Nobody thought anything of it until they figured out what it was and then they all had to have their photos reshot. If you don't know (and which I just found out)...the gesture is this...Point your hand with the index finger and middle finger extended. Bend back your ring finger leaving your pink extended. That's the gesture. Apparently the two fingers go somewhere and the pinky is the "shocker" which goes somewhere else.

Who thinks this stuff up? And speaking of odd sex questions...

Who has sex against a wall made of sidewalk pavers? Why don't woman ever fully undress before having sex? Why don't men in porn movies wear underwear? Aren't they worried about getting their hair caught in the zipper? Of course not! Because men in porn films these days don't have any hair down below.

Gill says that men shave in those films to make themselve look bigger. I think that it makes them look stupid and well like a child. ICK!!! Though they do get points for a lack of razor burn.

On that note, my last big weekend learning was this. On the way out of Taco Bell I saw that they had a measuring device on the door frame. Then at the Exon Quickie Mart I noticed that there was one there too. Gilly told me that they put them there so if they are robbed the cashier can tell the cops how tall the robber is!!! You learn something new every day. How'd I get this old without noticing that? Oh, right...I don't frequent Taco Bells OR Quickie Marts.

And speaking of sleaze in New Jersey...it's Soprano time!
posted by JustKeepMum on 8:56 PM