New Year's Eve and it's hard to believe
another zodiac has gone around.

While you drank yourself high on hoping
and watched the ceiling spin from the ground.

Counting down from ten it's time
to make your annual prayer.

Secret santa in the sky
when will I get my share?

Then you tell yourself
what you want to hear.

Cause you have to believe.

This will be my year.

This will be my year...Semisonic


Go Ahead Punk: E-Mail Little Squaw @ squawpunch@hotmail.com

AIM: gimletgurl7 (Remember when she used to be here?)

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Okay, it's Christmas...you may be bored...I am running around being festive...here's something for you to chew on. But don't chew on it too hard because I am rather sensitive about the whole topic. Why am I putting it up here? Well this blog is all about me and all the things that make me me and my world mine. Welcome in.


10/9/94

A Good Friend Phone Home

My fingers find the buttons like a million times before
And every time I push them just to even out the score
And you're hiding in the mirror, which my mind can always break,
And every time you go away, it's more than I can take

The pencil moves like lightning with the paper at its feet
And yet this simple action seems to draw my mind to sleep
As I crumble up my message, the thoughts begin to pour,
And then I stop to push the buttons, just to even out the score

And you're hiding in the mirror, which my mind can always break,
And every time you go away it's more then I can take
And I'm never safe inside my mind without my battered phone,
And yet this scar is deep, but still I call it home

My lips are burning from the spilling of these lies,
And every single question seems to make the venom fly
And you're hiding in the mirror, which my mind can always break,
And every time you go away it's more then I can take

Copyrighted by me. 1994.

Ohhh, it's that time of year again...plus with two weeks off it feels like college all over again...cold weather and listless nights...with way too much time to linger on topics of malcontent...Gilly needs to go to bed at a normal hour since he's still working and I switch into the old night owl mode of days of yore... I wish that 120 Minutes was still on so I could stay up and watch it like I used to do years ago...

So I mention "The GUY" in the other post...as in the dysfunctional boy who held my heart in barbed fingers for almost the first two years of college...as in the dysfunctional boy who never declared his true intent but thought that I would wait for him...I mean, I played nurse to him for a year and a half while he tried to drink and drug his way out of his sad and dysfunctional family...which bore similarities to mine and thus the bond...we were friends...and he was very supportive of me for a long long time...I harbor no anger about the relationship...maybe buyer's remorse...because every relationship we have helps build the person that we become and we ourselves choose to like that person or not...it's just that when it's all over the most painful memories/emotions linger the most vividy and thus make the kind ones even more bitter sweet...

I knew it was a crazy thing...how crazy would you have to be to hand the boy who you obviously have a mind numbing crush/friendship/emotional responsibility (as in you are his emotional support)...how crazy would you have to be to hand him a poem you wrote with no context and give it to me and know that he'd be reading it over and over and over again on a two hour car ride home...and then to have him never say anything about it to you and yet you can't recall if you ever brought it up, but being you you probably were waiting for the boy to finally make the first emotional move and relieve you of the burden...

December 13,1994


Tattoo You

The electrical crackle of my brush through my hair,
Reminds me that I am, in fact, ALIVE
I alone seem to notice this fact,
And it lingers on my lips.
So unlike yourself, who seems to linger, in my ears, and on my mind.
I never wanted a tattoo, but the frequency of your visits seems to threaten that,
that is what you will become.
A permanent ink strain on my soul.

Copyrighted by me. 1994.

No climax and no conclusion (both in the figurative sense) ever followed...we had a rip roaring conversation a few months after I walked away from it all...

I mean being friends with a guy is great. Most of my friends are guys...but a guy who toys with your emotions and never puts it all out there is unfair. Plus when he's asking for advice about girls and telling you about the girls he likes and then those girls start harassing you via email telling you if you love him you can have him and you have to tell her to stop emailing you and that you're not his type and she should do what ever she wants...(he liked black girls)...that's not a racist statement on my part...that was his type...I liked alterna or wigger boys with emotional crutches and he was a perfect fit...or actually I tended to gravitate to boys that needed to be "fixed and mothered"...and well we spent a lot of time on the phone and a lot of time in his room and a lot of time just circling each other...ours was the relationship that must not be spoken of...really...nobody got it...we ran in completely different circles and all my friends thought he was bizarre...all his friends probably thought that I was up tight...

The last big crack up was post Spring Break...I was back at school from Maine and he was still at home and he calls me out of the blue just to talk...it's one thing to call someone when you're in the same state...it's another when you're a state and a half away...anyway...he's all serious and he says he has something very important to tell me and I wait...because in reality I was waiting for the final shoe to drop...or maybe the glass slipper...and you know what he tells me? "I may pledge..." I think I might have split in two from that completely irrelevant total mind fuck...but for some reason I was hanging on by a thread...and then one day a month or so later he was totally blitzed out of his mind in the caf (on the same afternoon when one of his friends tried to put a move on me in his room while watching the Kentucky Derby....) and I was trying to walk him to his room and he puts his arm around my waist and looks me in the eye and says, "I know what you're trying to do..." and I look at him and say, "You couldn't possibly" and that was the day I emotionally forced myself to walk away...if the other shoe wasn't going to drop there was no reason to stay...and over the summer he got a stoner/sorority girl girlfriend who happened to be in the same sorority as some of my best friends and so you know she totally knew about me and since they thought we had spent all the time together in his room snogging when in reality all was we did was talk... she had every right to hate me...I wanted to avoid that mess...over that summer I had had a dysfunctional rip roaring romance with the ultimate bad boy...I mean drugs and jail time bad...and we were polar opposites and again ours was the "secret" releationship and nobody knew how far it had gone and I'll never ask what the people in my small town suspected nor will I confirm what was true...but he was on the mend and I was going to be his avenging angel and well that didn't pan out because really drug users are primarily very needy people looking for a quick "fix" to their problems whether they are using or not...click the page to the next boy...then I met the artist and he totally made me feel unique and necessary and such...that's another story...

So the original "boy" suddenly decides he misses my friendship or whatever he thought I was giving him and he shows up at my room...the first time he ever set foot into my room...EVER...and I leave the door open out to the suite or I close it I don't remember but Gert was next door...and he starts talking about how I deserted him and why don't I talk to him and I'm like, "ME? What about you? This is the first time you've ever been in my room!" And he tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him but as a friend...we're just acquaintances...and he has a girlfriend and we can't be close friends anymore because he has a GIRLFRIEND and that means no more hours on the phone when we were in dorms less than a 1/2 mile away from each other because you know what? I would never do that to another girl and poor Gert hears the raised voices and ducks her head in to make sure everything is okay and I assure her it is...because I was perfectly calm...and now in retrospect I think that I broke his heart or maybe he realized that he had broken mine or that he had screwed up because at the end of the day I probably would have stuck around because I was into fixing...or maybe I thought fixing would in the end fix me...

Well, we ended up becoming friendish again...and it was very normal...as normal as we could be...and I fell out with the artist (again another long story) and fell in with a fling...now to be truthful that was GRAND...and selfish and purely for the pleasure of holding someone in awe for once and having the upper hand while making the most of a very "cool rockstarish" situation without being a skank...following the folly or during it all I was finally being pursued by an unbroken man (no less) who fully intended to woo me...and after another long story for another day...we end up falling in love, dating for over five years and getting married...at that point me and the "the guy" and Gilly (my dream) had actually been in social situations together and Gilly kind of knew the dynamic but nobody can ever really know how two people bond and bend and break and snap together and the little nicks and scars and cuts you leave on each other's hearts...and what it feels like with all the what ifs and could have beens that roll around like marbles in your stomach and your head...even if you know that you have found the golden ticket...

So "he" was invited to the wedding...you can't erase a person who was so vital to your development and who seems to have turned over a different leaf...you can't ink them out...so he give me a kiss on cheek after the wedding...and come to find out he was drunk and he shows up late to the reception and guess what? He's drunker. And guess what? He's telling people how wonderful I am...and how I saved his life one time (by nursing him back to health when the Goon Squad was no where to be seen)...and he's telling Gilly how lucky he is and my friend takes me aside and says, "I don't think that he ever got over you..." and I respond, "Got over me? Didn't the five plus years of me dating Gilly kind of indicate that we weren't going to happen? Plus we never 'were.' We were just friends. Nothing ever happened."

And the awkwardness expands and he falls out of the picture again and guilt and what ifs roll around in the pit of my stomach and remind me of crushes and dreams and poems that never made the point and even though someone who sort of declares his love for you at your wedding...like a scene out of a movie...while that does stroke your ego it also...well it also...feels kind of broken.

Here's my theory...and it could be way to vain on my part, but it's my gut theory and my gut is pretty good...I think perhaps that he wanted to be better before he tried to really win me over or make and commitment/declaration...as in he wanted to feel that he was "better" and maybe to like himself as much as I seemed to like him...he wanted to make him/me proud...and he didn't want to saddle me with his angst...but time waits for no one especially when the person you are forcing to wait is trying to show YOU that you are better than you think you are...

Me, I couldn't stay tangled up in the whole circular thing or I was going to lose myself and/or the me that he loved was going to die. I know that I was fortunate and everything is how it should be now. It still makes me sad to think he's still swirling about unanchored.

I am a way too sentimental girl...who hates to leave things broken.

posted by JustKeepMum on 2:30 PM