New Year's Eve and it's hard to believe
another zodiac has gone around.

While you drank yourself high on hoping
and watched the ceiling spin from the ground.

Counting down from ten it's time
to make your annual prayer.

Secret santa in the sky
when will I get my share?

Then you tell yourself
what you want to hear.

Cause you have to believe.

This will be my year.

This will be my year...Semisonic


Go Ahead Punk: E-Mail Little Squaw @ squawpunch@hotmail.com

AIM: gimletgurl7 (Remember when she used to be here?)

Friday, November 28, 2003

"Love is never simple with a complicated girl..." The Bangles "Complicated Girl"

I've been a very bad squaw. Or something like it. The blog has been neglected while my e-mail correspondence and work has not. The problem being I've been cautious to post in my current location given the fact that it's dial up. I've no idea how long it will take.

Instead of blogging I have spent the last few days knitting. Knitting scarves which have to be determined owners with lots of funky yarn. After looking at the two that have been completed in bright light today I determined that they either look like something Gary Glitter would wear or a Muppet pelts. I love them. They're so fuzzy and soft. I'll need to choose carefully who I give them to, because if they don't love them and use them I will be very hurt. It would be like someone thinking my child who I love and adore is funny looking. I can only postulate given the fact that we don't have any children, but I am pretty sure that's how it would feel.

Anyway, over the past couple of days I've pretty much confirmed that I have a rather complicated life. Not to say that other people don't have it worse, but mine's tricky enough for me. Gil confirmed my conclusion by saying, "I can't keep your life straight. It gives me a headache."

Being home reminds me of how my family is totally off the wall. Oh the stories I could tell. But the way I look at it is that the past is the past. I just need to be as good as I can at the moment and allow others to do the same. I tend to get a bit grumpy when I'm home. I don't know why it's probably residual stress, anger or resentment. But I don't cultivate it. If anything I try to cast it aside.

Another big problem in this house is the sensory overload here. Lots of radio action, TV and loud talking (due to residual hearing loss). My head gets cluttered and I can't sort it out.

Speaking of sorting I spent the morning sorting through the remnants of my youth. I'm feeling rather vain/wistful/curious lately. Little Squaw being a physical example of that feeling. All I do is talk talk talk about myself. That can't be good. I mean people pay therapists for that sort of thing.

But as I was saying, I was sorting. I used to always say, "Gee I wish I had saved more of the things that I wrote when I was younger." I didn't realize how much I had. I guess as I got older I made more of an effort to compile it. I feel very vain when I read it all because I enjoy doing it so much. I pat myself on my back for how witty I was and how engaging I feel my prose was. I've also concluded that once I got happy all my writing went to hell in a hand basket. Since Gil and I have been together I haven't written anything creatively that's really impressive. I've been too content.

I am looking forward to sitting down and reading all the things that other people wrote to me. I have a whole stack of mail a HUGE stack of mail from my freshman year of college. The beginning of which I was miserable. I was ready to pack it up and move back to New England. I had a scholarship sitting waiting for me in Boston. I must have sent some very sad letters at that time because a lot of people came to my rescue. I think reading them is going to remind me how wonderful I've really had it when it comes to support. I'm also sure it will make me sad that a lot of those friendships didn't make it well into adulthood due to diverging paths.

Plus a lot of what I've found is evidence of crushes that I had and/or never had the nerve to follow up on. I am the queen of unrequited crushes. Pretty consistent in my choices too. The man who needed to be "fixed". Whether in reality or only in my mind. And I always threw my weight into it. The fixed part probably comes from having so many things in my "complicated" life that needed to be fixed but over which I had no control. And then came Gil. Someone who needed no fixing and didn't think I needed to be tweaked either.

Maybe some of the good stuff will make it up on the blog. I'm not quite certain.



posted by JustKeepMum on 7:00 PM